Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Free the Internet
this has to stop. if you have yet to hear of ether SOPA or PIPA here are some links to more information
http://www.pcworld.com/article/248298/sopa_and_pipa_just_the_facts.html
http://americancensorship.org/
Friday, January 13, 2012
Closets
When I first get marred and moved out of my parents home I decided to ware my pentagram openly. I wanted to live out of the broom closet for a while. One day met a lady at a gas station, we were both in line to pay. It was a long line and she was in front of me. Wanting to pass the time she turned and saw me and probably assumed that since we both were female we would both want to talk but she also saw my pentagram and got curious. So, after making some ideal chit chat about gas prices and lines she finally asked "Is that a star of David" I had a split second to think before I answered "yes, kind of" she promptly ignored the kind of and went an to excitedly, explain that she had never met a Jewish person (never would have guest) and that I was not what she had expected. She was probably expecting the stereotypical Jew with a big nose and the spending habits of Scrooge. I realized that my first inspiration of her was correct. She knew so little about other religions, me saying I was pagan would be saying I was a Satanist, to her they were the same thing.
as it was she had all kinds of questions like why I didn't believe in Jesus, would I be willing to go to a Christian church... Thankfully I was saved be my husband, who plays the bad guy all too well. I do understand that not all Christians are like this, my mother-in-law and I have talked on length about our beliefs and find then very similar. But there are others that believe that anything that has to do with my way of life is evil. I know there is no changing their minds. The very argument would convince them they were right. I dread these people, and yes I have met them, they are so brainwashed into believing whatever their priest tells them, that if he told them to kill their first born they might not even bat an eye while doing it. These are the people that keep my from wearing my belief on my sleeve and they are the people who will never get GLBTQI either, they don't even know that that means, of coarse the not so brainwashed Christians are not much better with their questions and assumptions. It is hard for me to explain me belief there complicated and I not very good at it. then there are the ones we just want to twist you words to fit their reality and for some of them it is just a game and has nothing to do with religion. They just what you to play their fool. But mostly it is the everyday people who are just curious and not too judgmental. Again I not very good at the explaining bit and having social anxiety does not help. I am not even out to my family, I just don't need the complications or the judgmental statements. My parents know, boy have I had fun with that one. My Father told my son, when he was two that he was going to hell because of me and my mother tried for years to try to get me to be Jewish or Baptist, anything but Pagan. It has been so long that I doubt they realize I still am though. They have a knack of forgetting anything they don't deem important or worthy to know. But enough of them, my point of this is there are and always will be people out there that do not understand anything society deems different, and pagans are different, Goths are different, GLBTQI, are different.
I commend anybody who chooses to live outside their closet, just don't bitch about it later, you choose to be public about this, no matter what you thought that meant, people will come to you with questions, comments, grievances... be strong, don't back down and don't delude yourself into thinking people should know this stuff already, don't convince yourself that you are not different to them and therefore not something to be studied. They are not ready for us and all we can hope for is to converse with the ones around the edges (the young, the curious, the liberal) and slowly become normal to them.
And as always; I don't what to convert anyone to my way. You leave me to my path and I will leave you to you're I wish the same as anyone else, to live my life for me and so longer as I am not truly harming anyone, to be left to find my own happiness.
 |
| "Is that a star of David" |
 |
| Can see how she was confused |
I commend anybody who chooses to live outside their closet, just don't bitch about it later, you choose to be public about this, no matter what you thought that meant, people will come to you with questions, comments, grievances... be strong, don't back down and don't delude yourself into thinking people should know this stuff already, don't convince yourself that you are not different to them and therefore not something to be studied. They are not ready for us and all we can hope for is to converse with the ones around the edges (the young, the curious, the liberal) and slowly become normal to them.
And as always; I don't what to convert anyone to my way. You leave me to my path and I will leave you to you're I wish the same as anyone else, to live my life for me and so longer as I am not truly harming anyone, to be left to find my own happiness.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
were did I lose it
After becoming a Mom I felt that everyone around me was telling me to stop with the stupid stuff and just be a mom. like all I was was a mom now. I could not be a goth or a Roll player or even pretty. Now I had a kid. I was a make your own baby food, full time working, PTA joining, but still had time for you, kind of supermom, with a cloth dipper clad baby. according to my mother I was suppose to get a job, but not move out of there house and let them raise me kid. According to my ex I was suppose to do everything he didn't want to do, which was just about everything, like work, cook, clean, change diapers... Then people started to realize that I was not this person, they reacted very badly to it.
My mother stared a smear campaign, labeling me the worst mother in the world. it was sutler at first just her giving her unsolicited motherly advice but with a barb underneath that I could feel. This was not imagination or postpartum depression talking, this was war. when it I did not seem to get the hint she started telling people her brand of the truth. The campaign actually started before my son was born. She disliked my boyfriend and that I had moved out with him so much that she convinced my grandparents that I was giving all my money to my then boyfriend. cutting me off from a college fund and any emergency money. so it didn't take much to convince them I was still doing it or that I was now stealing money from the baby. They were told and still believe that I took the money they gave to me for the baby and used it on other things. Now she just widen her message she told everyone she know how bad a mom I was. it was not bad enough that I had people thinking I was a bad mom because of the way I was dressed or because I had my nose pierced or my tattoo or my religion. now my mother was giving them real reasons to condemn me as a bad mom. My father even asked me to give them custody of my son, to get him on there insurgence of course. unfortunately for them I knew a girl how did sigh custody of her son to her mom and 7 years latter she was still fighting to get him back. After this they tightened the rains, isolating me even further then I was by just being a mom with no car. She even threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not compile with her wishes. then I last my job. I was under her control and had no were to turn.
The baby's dad turned out to be a slug who just wanted someone to take care of him. he would tell me to take the baby over his dad's house every time I brought him over for a visit, just so we could have sex. if I refused he would ignore the baby and still try to have sex with me. The had no car no job and lived with a group of friends how took pity on him after I moved back home. He would whine and yell about me not being able to come over and see him when ever he wanted or that he did nit have money for cigarettes. We would argue constantly about the amount of control my mother had on me but would give no solution. he was all fantasy and no substance. I slowly withdrew for hum emotionally but physically he was one of the only people that believed me when I talked about me mother, he was the only person who was there to say it would be OK and he was the only person aside from my son that I thought loved me. so I stubbornly held on to a doomed relationship as my one last contact to the out side world. and I got pregnant again because of it.
My mother flipped. I think she told me once a week to get a abortion. I refused to even consider it. At this time I had just bought a car with my tax return money and though I was not working was not doing bad. not to say I was happy with this its not that I did not what this, I wanted more kids, I just did not what this right now. I wanted things to be a lot more stable and away from my mother before this happened. It would also had been nice if it was with another guy. The boyfriend had hoped, like a bad movie plot, that the baby would bring us closer together. when he realized that his plan did not work he started reminding me about how hard it was suppose to be for a woman with a kid to find a man. He figured it would be doubly hard for a mom of two too find someone. He would never want to raise someone else kids or have to deal with a ex coming around and neither would anyone he know. this is what he told me. little did he know, the universe was working against him. This is all I could figure because about the same time three different love interest entered my life. one was his best friends older brother another was a man my mother and I worked with. the first did not seem to be the settling down type. The second man turned out to be a violent drug user who eventually was put in jail for dealing. The last guy had two kids and a ex wife that I did not want to deal with. it was starting to look like the boyfriend was right, and then my house burned down.
It was a unattended candle in my parents bedroom. I was out, putting gas in my father truck when my one and a half year old son walked into my parents room, closed the door, and claimed onto there bed to watch TV. he found a candle and picked it up to blow it out. it was too hot and dropped it. these started the bed on fire. by the time I got home half the house was gone and my family was in a ambulance with oxygen masks on. My son did not have a mark on him, thank the goddess. My parents were singed on places but fine. I has 9 months pregnant at the time. All the clothing I had was the maternity cloths I had put in the washer that afternoon. It was also the first day of yule. my family and Friends pulled together and helped but the damage was done. Less then a month later I had my daughter and postpartum depression set in bad. I did not loss the baby weight like I did with my son and I did not find out till years later that it was because of my thyroid. Couple that with the fact that my mother was in control of my life and my goth life style went down the drain.
Three month after my Daughter was born the boyfriend became my ex, and so my last connection with the goth world it seemed. it only took him a day to replace me and a year to tire of the kids. he has mat seen or spoken to the kids in over three years, even though we are facebook friends with both me and my son. I finally found a man who was willing and able to take care of me and the kids, a man who fond he could not have kids so having two already there was prefect, a man who was there the entire time. the best friends brother finally decided it was time to settle down and the only woman he knew that would put up this his shit was my. he knew the kids hell he had changed dippers and helped watch them. we have been marred for 7 years this October.
It took years for me to gain back the control my mother took from me and more to gain back the confidence to be who I really am and show it to the world. Deep down I was truly goth, I know that. I sill loved the music, the movies, the style. for years I sat and envied all the young people that could be what they wanted. I vowed to let me children express themselves no matter what. So far the only thing standing in the way of that is of course my mother. but they will never be like I was and hopefully soon I will be Redesigned and ready to go.
My mother stared a smear campaign, labeling me the worst mother in the world. it was sutler at first just her giving her unsolicited motherly advice but with a barb underneath that I could feel. This was not imagination or postpartum depression talking, this was war. when it I did not seem to get the hint she started telling people her brand of the truth. The campaign actually started before my son was born. She disliked my boyfriend and that I had moved out with him so much that she convinced my grandparents that I was giving all my money to my then boyfriend. cutting me off from a college fund and any emergency money. so it didn't take much to convince them I was still doing it or that I was now stealing money from the baby. They were told and still believe that I took the money they gave to me for the baby and used it on other things. Now she just widen her message she told everyone she know how bad a mom I was. it was not bad enough that I had people thinking I was a bad mom because of the way I was dressed or because I had my nose pierced or my tattoo or my religion. now my mother was giving them real reasons to condemn me as a bad mom. My father even asked me to give them custody of my son, to get him on there insurgence of course. unfortunately for them I knew a girl how did sigh custody of her son to her mom and 7 years latter she was still fighting to get him back. After this they tightened the rains, isolating me even further then I was by just being a mom with no car. She even threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not compile with her wishes. then I last my job. I was under her control and had no were to turn.
The baby's dad turned out to be a slug who just wanted someone to take care of him. he would tell me to take the baby over his dad's house every time I brought him over for a visit, just so we could have sex. if I refused he would ignore the baby and still try to have sex with me. The had no car no job and lived with a group of friends how took pity on him after I moved back home. He would whine and yell about me not being able to come over and see him when ever he wanted or that he did nit have money for cigarettes. We would argue constantly about the amount of control my mother had on me but would give no solution. he was all fantasy and no substance. I slowly withdrew for hum emotionally but physically he was one of the only people that believed me when I talked about me mother, he was the only person who was there to say it would be OK and he was the only person aside from my son that I thought loved me. so I stubbornly held on to a doomed relationship as my one last contact to the out side world. and I got pregnant again because of it.
My mother flipped. I think she told me once a week to get a abortion. I refused to even consider it. At this time I had just bought a car with my tax return money and though I was not working was not doing bad. not to say I was happy with this its not that I did not what this, I wanted more kids, I just did not what this right now. I wanted things to be a lot more stable and away from my mother before this happened. It would also had been nice if it was with another guy. The boyfriend had hoped, like a bad movie plot, that the baby would bring us closer together. when he realized that his plan did not work he started reminding me about how hard it was suppose to be for a woman with a kid to find a man. He figured it would be doubly hard for a mom of two too find someone. He would never want to raise someone else kids or have to deal with a ex coming around and neither would anyone he know. this is what he told me. little did he know, the universe was working against him. This is all I could figure because about the same time three different love interest entered my life. one was his best friends older brother another was a man my mother and I worked with. the first did not seem to be the settling down type. The second man turned out to be a violent drug user who eventually was put in jail for dealing. The last guy had two kids and a ex wife that I did not want to deal with. it was starting to look like the boyfriend was right, and then my house burned down.
It was a unattended candle in my parents bedroom. I was out, putting gas in my father truck when my one and a half year old son walked into my parents room, closed the door, and claimed onto there bed to watch TV. he found a candle and picked it up to blow it out. it was too hot and dropped it. these started the bed on fire. by the time I got home half the house was gone and my family was in a ambulance with oxygen masks on. My son did not have a mark on him, thank the goddess. My parents were singed on places but fine. I has 9 months pregnant at the time. All the clothing I had was the maternity cloths I had put in the washer that afternoon. It was also the first day of yule. my family and Friends pulled together and helped but the damage was done. Less then a month later I had my daughter and postpartum depression set in bad. I did not loss the baby weight like I did with my son and I did not find out till years later that it was because of my thyroid. Couple that with the fact that my mother was in control of my life and my goth life style went down the drain.
Three month after my Daughter was born the boyfriend became my ex, and so my last connection with the goth world it seemed. it only took him a day to replace me and a year to tire of the kids. he has mat seen or spoken to the kids in over three years, even though we are facebook friends with both me and my son. I finally found a man who was willing and able to take care of me and the kids, a man who fond he could not have kids so having two already there was prefect, a man who was there the entire time. the best friends brother finally decided it was time to settle down and the only woman he knew that would put up this his shit was my. he knew the kids hell he had changed dippers and helped watch them. we have been marred for 7 years this October.
It took years for me to gain back the control my mother took from me and more to gain back the confidence to be who I really am and show it to the world. Deep down I was truly goth, I know that. I sill loved the music, the movies, the style. for years I sat and envied all the young people that could be what they wanted. I vowed to let me children express themselves no matter what. So far the only thing standing in the way of that is of course my mother. but they will never be like I was and hopefully soon I will be Redesigned and ready to go.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Mentalist
I hate this show, I can't even bring myself to be frustrated over it by watching. For those who don't know the show, it seems to be about a man who use to claim to be a Psychic but dose not believe that they even exist. Now he uses his keen observation skills to solve crime and to debunk mental powers by proving that they exist and that anyone can do them. Yes, you heard me right. The character in the show tries to disprove psychic powers by demonstrating how they scientifically work. I am dumbfounded. Now, I know there are some of you who are thinking "he is disproving supernatural powers exist by showing just how the charlatans "read" your mind, by showing that they actually read your body language." To those people I would like to point out two things; how psychic power actually work and how the word supernatural has been used or miss used through out the century's.
Supernatural is a word that describes something beyond the realm of nature. Something supernatural belongs in the realm of God or the gods. Keep this in mind when I tell you that lightning was once thought to be supernatural. Keep this in mind as I explain that medical techniques were considered supernatural. Now both are considered science. Psychic power are now finally making this transition from supernatural to science, but in a every weird way. Somehow, as the science of psychiatry and psychology were developing, the enemy's of psychic powers were trying to use this not so new knowledge as proof that people were not reading others minds or could not tell the future with cards, the lines on your hands or any other method.
I would love to ask someone who believes that psychic power is fake, what do you actually think we have been doing this whole time. Do you actually believe that people were getting into peoples heads and reading them like books. Is it more believable for you to think that there are just some people that are naturally good at reading peoples body language and emotional state. That these same people, when asked how do they do it, can not find the right words to tell you what they were doing other then reading minds. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the fact that people took advantage of this situation, They made it bigger and more powerful then it actually was. People get there wires crossed, misinterpret signals or just have a off day sometimes. On the other side of this coin there are time were I get pictures of what people are thinking, sometimes I even get it in there own voice, like they said it aloud or even share a dream with someone. Mostly these are people I really know and it is not surprising that I can get inside their head so easily.
Now telling the future is a little more difficult to explain. Its more statistical physiology, mixed with same quantum theory and a whole lot of cause and effect. Stephen Hopkins once explained on his show that the whole reason we can not travel in time is because the future has yet to happen. This is the some reason way I cant tell you what will happen in it with 100% accuracy. All I can do is tell you the most probable result of your actions so far. I thinks I am doing a very good job, considering I am using what amounts to a modified deck of playing cards.
On the other side of this whole coin, I am still a witch, I still believe in Magick and otherworldly things. I just take a more natural, not supernatural, approach to things. I do not mean for this blog to step on any persons beliefs and I will never assume to be a expert in these subjects. This is truly just one crazy witches take on things. My attempt to meld the science that I am diving into with the Magick I can not live with out.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Acute Anemia
this is what I came down with about two weeks ago. it started on Friday. I stared out dizzy and very tired it really hit me after the kids were off to school. I went back to bed and didn't think much about it. my parents picked up the kids that week end (like they do every other weekend) so I really didn't need to get up, and the next day I was better. but Sunday it got worse, i don't know why, it could have been that wine cooler or the fact that my extended period was on super heavy, or it could have been the wine cooler. all I know was that I was super dizzy, I felt like I was on the tilt-a-whorl and could not get off. I was so dizzy that I was seeing double, my eyes were spinning and I was nauseated. By the time my husband went to pick up the kids, I was throwing up every hour and would not stop till Monday night. luckily my parents come over on Monday to take my daughter to gymnastics and us out to eat. this is when my mother became convinced that it was my high blood presser that was causing the whole problem (which it's not) and that I should get that under control(which I do) I already had a doc. appointment for Tuesday (OBGYN) so I called my normal doc and informed him of this new development (they said it could be that cyst, which to me is like saying "its not our problem") and off to the doc. I went, of course my husband drove. the doctor said that both the cyst and the fibroid were very small and were not the reason of all this. he put me on a new medicine that stopped my period and now I am finally starting to feel normal. I am still a little dizzy, and I cant drink alcohol or coffee, but I am getting there
Friday, May 6, 2011
Ovarian cyst and fibroids?
I was just diagnose last week with ovarian cysts and fibroid. Well, that's nice, but I really don't know what that means. The only thing I know about cysts is they seem to happen a lot and they can happen in multiple places, I mean my brother had a cyst on his ear. I guess this could be a good thing since I can't really freaked out over this. it is not like someone just dropped the cancer bomb (that already happened once before) I have looked it up and found very conflicting things. one site list different kinds of cysts but nothing on fibroid. when I looked them up together I found very little. I did find some freaked out people and a site for people with cancer. so were to now, I continue my search for some answers to the problems that are plaguing me and staring to feel a little like a failure because I don't know enough about health issues to know whether I should be worried or not. To top this off everyone as my doctors office has been treating me like I should know what is going on. like everyone took biology in high school and there is the Internet so everyone should know enough to talk to their doc. like they themselves were in the medical field. at least this is how I feel their think. I even saw a list of things your Doctor wished we knew. well how about the top things your patents wished you realized.
1) We are not all in the medical field. I am not going to school for anything related to medicine.
2) We all can not keep up with all the new conditions you keep coming up with. I have never heard of half the things they throw at me. I never herd of Plantar fasciitis but he diagnosed both me and my son with it. I don't think these conditions are fake (at least not all of them) but some of them feel like designer diseases made to give a purpose for designer drugs.
3) When you sit us down to discus treatment options, give us options, don't just walk in and tell us what WE are going to do.
4) Don't assume we can or will keep track of the medication we take. I on now on 6 different things and cant pronounce half of them, I have know clue how many mg. I take of each and even if I did they keep changing. you what me to tell you all this info when I came in with an ear infection. I can hardly remember my own address with an ear infection.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Why, yes I am Goth
All this things change a person and give then dimension. (pulse if you are ever called to you're kids school because she said she was going to kill herself, it is best if you don't look like you are already dead. Trust me) So at the end of the day, I would rather like all the non Goth things in this world then be a one dimensional Goth any day, and I would rather conform to what the other mommy's look like for 20 minutes than have child services at my door.
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