After becoming a Mom I felt that everyone around me was telling me to stop with the stupid stuff and just be a mom. like all I was was a mom now. I could not be a goth or a Roll player or even pretty. Now I had a kid. I was a make your own baby food, full time working, PTA joining, but still had time for you, kind of supermom, with a cloth dipper clad baby. according to my mother I was suppose to get a job, but not move out of there house and let them raise me kid. According to my ex I was suppose to do everything he didn't want to do, which was just about everything, like work, cook, clean, change diapers... Then people started to realize that I was not this person, they reacted very badly to it.
My mother stared a smear campaign, labeling me the worst mother in the world. it was sutler at first just her giving her unsolicited motherly advice but with a barb underneath that I could feel. This was not imagination or postpartum depression talking, this was war. when it I did not seem to get the hint she started telling people her brand of the truth. The campaign actually started before my son was born. She disliked my boyfriend and that I had moved out with him so much that she convinced my grandparents that I was giving all my money to my then boyfriend. cutting me off from a college fund and any emergency money. so it didn't take much to convince them I was still doing it or that I was now stealing money from the baby. They were told and still believe that I took the money they gave to me for the baby and used it on other things. Now she just widen her message she told everyone she know how bad a mom I was. it was not bad enough that I had people thinking I was a bad mom because of the way I was dressed or because I had my nose pierced or my tattoo or my religion. now my mother was giving them real reasons to condemn me as a bad mom. My father even asked me to give them custody of my son, to get him on there insurgence of course. unfortunately for them I knew a girl how did sigh custody of her son to her mom and 7 years latter she was still fighting to get him back. After this they tightened the rains, isolating me even further then I was by just being a mom with no car. She even threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not compile with her wishes. then I last my job. I was under her control and had no were to turn.
The baby's dad turned out to be a slug who just wanted someone to take care of him. he would tell me to take the baby over his dad's house every time I brought him over for a visit, just so we could have sex. if I refused he would ignore the baby and still try to have sex with me. The had no car no job and lived with a group of friends how took pity on him after I moved back home. He would whine and yell about me not being able to come over and see him when ever he wanted or that he did nit have money for cigarettes. We would argue constantly about the amount of control my mother had on me but would give no solution. he was all fantasy and no substance. I slowly withdrew for hum emotionally but physically he was one of the only people that believed me when I talked about me mother, he was the only person who was there to say it would be OK and he was the only person aside from my son that I thought loved me. so I stubbornly held on to a doomed relationship as my one last contact to the out side world. and I got pregnant again because of it.
My mother flipped. I think she told me once a week to get a abortion. I refused to even consider it. At this time I had just bought a car with my tax return money and though I was not working was not doing bad. not to say I was happy with this its not that I did not what this, I wanted more kids, I just did not what this right now. I wanted things to be a lot more stable and away from my mother before this happened. It would also had been nice if it was with another guy. The boyfriend had hoped, like a bad movie plot, that the baby would bring us closer together. when he realized that his plan did not work he started reminding me about how hard it was suppose to be for a woman with a kid to find a man. He figured it would be doubly hard for a mom of two too find someone. He would never want to raise someone else kids or have to deal with a ex coming around and neither would anyone he know. this is what he told me. little did he know, the universe was working against him. This is all I could figure because about the same time three different love interest entered my life. one was his best friends older brother another was a man my mother and I worked with. the first did not seem to be the settling down type. The second man turned out to be a violent drug user who eventually was put in jail for dealing. The last guy had two kids and a ex wife that I did not want to deal with. it was starting to look like the boyfriend was right, and then my house burned down.
It was a unattended candle in my parents bedroom. I was out, putting gas in my father truck when my one and a half year old son walked into my parents room, closed the door, and claimed onto there bed to watch TV. he found a candle and picked it up to blow it out. it was too hot and dropped it. these started the bed on fire. by the time I got home half the house was gone and my family was in a ambulance with oxygen masks on. My son did not have a mark on him, thank the goddess. My parents were singed on places but fine. I has 9 months pregnant at the time. All the clothing I had was the maternity cloths I had put in the washer that afternoon. It was also the first day of yule. my family and Friends pulled together and helped but the damage was done. Less then a month later I had my daughter and postpartum depression set in bad. I did not loss the baby weight like I did with my son and I did not find out till years later that it was because of my thyroid. Couple that with the fact that my mother was in control of my life and my goth life style went down the drain.
Three month after my Daughter was born the boyfriend became my ex, and so my last connection with the goth world it seemed. it only took him a day to replace me and a year to tire of the kids. he has mat seen or spoken to the kids in over three years, even though we are facebook friends with both me and my son. I finally found a man who was willing and able to take care of me and the kids, a man who fond he could not have kids so having two already there was prefect, a man who was there the entire time. the best friends brother finally decided it was time to settle down and the only woman he knew that would put up this his shit was my. he knew the kids hell he had changed dippers and helped watch them. we have been marred for 7 years this October.
It took years for me to gain back the control my mother took from me and more to gain back the confidence to be who I really am and show it to the world. Deep down I was truly goth, I know that. I sill loved the music, the movies, the style. for years I sat and envied all the young people that could be what they wanted. I vowed to let me children express themselves no matter what. So far the only thing standing in the way of that is of course my mother. but they will never be like I was and hopefully soon I will be Redesigned and ready to go.
No comments:
Post a Comment